Thursday, December 15, 2011

Trials & Tribulations

Trials and Tribulations Walkthrough

I was recently reading a book by Smith Wigglesworth and he said to truly be used by God, you have to be broken. Brokenness comes in many forms and ways. When you go through betrayal, loss of reputation, being used by Christians, hurt or great loss, you have two choices, either forgive and praise the Lord through it or become bitter. I decided to praise the Lord and thank the Lord regardless what it looked like at the moment.

I would say from the list, I went through it all. Going through it, my heart is more tender instead of bitter. I still wonder why people act the way they do. But the answer is they are human and are reacting to what they believe. What they see is not always true but it is true to them.

I tried to protect a lot of people. I was in the middle of it all. I had to obey God and do what he wanted me to do. Unfortunately, because I refused to expose, or reveal and protect everyone, it blows up in your face. We say "God why when I was following you." Then you learn you go through, regardless if it is true, brokenness.

Unfortunately, I lost friendships on all levels. But God is good and has provided a new family, friends but I'm more healthier because God is my center. I used to build friendships out of order. God has to be your all and not people. We serve a jeolous God. I also had a fear of man. It set me up to be controlled.

I had to look at my sin. I don't blame the other person what has happened at all. I had to look in the mirror and see what was in me for a relationship to be built wrongly.

We do go through trials and tributations because God is doing a work in you. Trials and tribulations only last for a short while but the Lord himself restore, confirms, strengthens and establishes you back to Him according to 1 Peter 5:10 ESV
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

Going through the trial and tribulation you have to stand fast in prayer and pray always to keep your heart right especially when others try to destroy you because they are hurt and don't understand the intent.

Romans 12:12 ESV
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

The Lord is so good. He reminded me constantly that the temptation will not overtake you. when you are going through tribulations the enemy tempts you with temptations to get back at the other person through accusation, ugliness, etc. Instead I kept in continual prayer because I knew my answer would not be accepted. I refused to use any accusation against the person who hated me. Then the Lord gives me 1 Corinthians 10:13
"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

All I'm trying to do is follow the Lord. When I left the ministry because the Lord told me to lay it all down, I didn't care if I ever prayed for another person, or ministered or anything. I was totally fine with being a bump on the log and being no one in the kingdom. I wanted it to be that way but the Lord would not let it go. He kept sending me people constantly. Even people from the other ministry but I had to turn them down because it would not be fair. I was going to be as honorable as I could be. Anyway, God just kept pouring in me during those times with Him and so got motivated to build a website. Then wham get hit with a letter that threatened me. It made me shake but I decided to praise the Lord, continue to forgive and follow God regardless what others thought or believed.

As of December 15, 2011, I'm in a place of restoration and preparation. God is showing me wonderful things that are so awesome. I've learned that your reputation can be ruined by man not understanding but that is ok. God is my vendicator. My reputation is not only ruined by one, who was like a sister, but from several other ministries. That is the suffering of Christ. You try to do the right thing and man, wham bam you get hit and your name is mud. Who do I serve? Who is my God. Is it man or God. Why should I care what others believe.

All these are tests and stretching to take you to a place of tenderness and into the wonders of God's goodness. I see Him in such a different way that I've never seen before. I walk on earth and see life differently and people differently. I love people but it is in the right order.

Yes, the pain is deep, loosing reputation, betrayal especially when the other person believes you've betrayed them because God tells you to follow him and not them. Even if they believe you made a promise but the other person did not hear the other part I said many years ago that when I got to busy for God, I was going to lay it down and man God made me live up to that. Unfortunately, me leaving was a betrayal. That truly grieves my heart to no end when God is my God and not them. I have to obey his ways and many times he takes people apart and sets them on other paths. I pray for this other person's success in the ministry. I truly hope and pray for good things and know this person will be successful. This person is very creative and smart. God is trying to do a work in them. They just don't see it.

Through all this, the pain, the hurt and the loss, I had to see what Jesus went through when He hung on the cross to give us life spiritually as well as physically. He came to overcome and I can overcome according to John 16:33

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Not only that but the Lord is producing perseverence in me in accordance to Romans 5:3

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,..."

When you are in a place of preparation and healing and restoration and the waiting, you cannot be anxious but the Lord will guard your heart and mind from the attacks of the enemy or temptations according to Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We serve such an awesome God of the Lord most high and we can count those trials and tribulations as joy according to James 1:2

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,"

It is not easy to give up something you love, birthed, and given your heart to and then have to lay it all down. Not only that but give all the money, equipment and BIH. I've walked away from Be In Health so that the other person who now runs the ministry can have full access without this person being bothered if I'm going to be there. I gave it all up according to the Lord Most High. Anyway, I think so much had happened with the other ministries that my name is ruined and I don't believe that ministry in Georgia would ever want me or want to see my face again. I think they have made an opinion of me that cannot ever be changed. I hope and pray this other person I gave everything to will enjoy and grow from BIH. Lots of misunderstanding on all their parts. Yes, I didn't like how it was handled when this other person was given direction and even tricked me that we were going to confront a situation. Wow, I had a lot to work out of my heart. Man always ruins others reputations and mine certainly was through several avenues of people.

But I had to see these were fiery darts of testing according to 1 Peter 4:12

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you."

Fiery darts come from people who are the closest to you. Again I had to remember Jesus on the cross saying Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing. I look that God is testing my heart and my reactions. I'm forever grateful of BIH for my healing, for the ministry in Lewisville for loving me and accepting me and pointing me in the right direction. I can truly say I care for all these people regardless if they think I am the scum of the earth. Their opinions do not matter. As long as I know I've done right and areas it was not handled I went to the Lord for forgiveness and know I'm forgiven and move forward.

The enemy wants to stop you and keep you in the past but I'm moving forward to the things of the Lord even though I would rather be a bump on the log. I would have to say these trials and tribulations has given me a deeper love for people in God's way of love.

I love people, not what they can do for me or fulfill anything in me but because my Lord Jesus Christ loves them as well.

Even though I felt weak and broken I knew I could do all things according to 2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me,

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. " That is a promise when we feel weak, broken, bleeding inside, etc. we are made perfect in weakness because then it is more of God and me more out of the way. That is how we are suppose to look at weakness.

I would have to say my faith was being tested and many times just wanted to give up and part of me just wanted to disappear or be absorbed by the air and not exist. But, I knew that is what the Lord did not want but for me to get back up and go forward even in my weakness and to count it all joy according to James 1:2-8

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. ... "

My faith has been strengthened. I'm not the same person. It now takes a lot to take me down. I see God in all situations and that he is working it out regardless if I can see it or not like Heb. 11:1 - I cannot go by what I see but what I cannot see and trust God's word and praise him for the good result even though it is not happening.

That means standing strong and not being freightened. Many times I'm so afraid this person is going to go after me again to hurt me and keep me from the things the Lord has deposited in my heart before the foundations of the earth - sometimes have nightmares. I know the hate the other person has towards me. I don't think this person realized the hate they had in their hearts before I even went on sabbatical. Just like Joshua, I was going into new territory and cannot be afraid according to Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

I really hope this helps someone who is in the ministry and being attacked with fiery darts to not give up. Because all these things are tests of faith according to 1 Peter 1:7

"So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. "

It cannot be about people but only the Lord regardless what fiery darts coming out of others as accusation, attacking your reputation, betrayal, destruction, etc. You gotta stand, even in weakness, that God is for you and not against you and that he is all your all. Even though it feels like you are walking in the shadow of death what I call the dark night of the soul but to not fear no evil according to Psalm 23:4

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." You cannot allow people to rule you but God to rule you.

and many times it does feel like affliction of the soul or your emotions. Your emotions do go to helter skelter but you gotta hang on that the Lrod is doing a new thing and will deliver you according to Psalm 34:19
"Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all."

and that God will supply all your needs emotionally and physically according to Philippians 4:19

"And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." and that 2 Corinthians 4:16 "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."

You have choices to make in the dark night of the soul. That means, determining not to go bitter but count it all joy like I said earlier and praise the Lord like Paul did in Jail and the Lord delivered him.

Then pray for them and bless them with God's blessings because they are God's children that truly don't understanding the entire situation. Like I said, I was caught in the middle and protecting people even this person who now has 100% of the ministry because I cared and loved this person and wanted to protect them and even corrected others who had evil things to say because they were mad in the way they were treated by this person. I didn't say anything to this other person because I knew these people were talking out of anger. I always made them call the other person to work it out.

Even when they all told me they were resigning, I questioned them and tried to talk them out of it but it was their choice. Unfortunately, the other person would never ever believe me. Unfortunately, this other person had major opinions on me and beliefs that was not true. We were in a partnership and regardless if this other person was right or wrong I was going to defend this person to the bitter end even though I was so very frustrated especially after I got the letter I got from this person. I realized some things and it only confirmed what the Lord was showing me and had to be obedient to the Lord and not to this person otherwise I would be in sin. Unfortunately, this person did not believe I heard from the Lord and so called it betrayal.

I'm sharing this part so whoever reads this going through the fiery darts will realize these are trials and tests of character. I had to see I could not defend myself but trust God regardless where it took me. Where I got messed up at first is I thought if I do the right thing everything would correct itself but that is not the case. Many times it can fall apart regardless how you try to be honorable not talking, not giving any accusation, or anything.

These people, who where on the team, before I resigned, told me what they saw and knew they had to get out. I have to tell you it broke my heart for them as well as the other person. I knew that other person was going to feel sting of rejection because that is the root of this person's problem was huge rejection and me being in the ministry was only making it worse no matter what I did or not do or even kept my mouth shut and stopped talking to everyone and that was also indicated in the letter that helped make my decision, even though the Lord was wanting me to himself as a bride to Him. I'm still sitting at his feet.

Yes, I didn't always do the right thing. I was asked if anyone knew. It was to much trouble to try to explain that the Lord had showed them first before me. Plus, I knew it would break this person's heart if the other person knew this and would suffer a sting of rejection. I was in denial and did not want to break this person's heart and it was easlier to not tell the truth then go through the hell of it. At that time I was weak but hit with it later and had to tell the truth. Wow, that was an interesting Sunday morning. Words were said that was like poison asp poured on my heart, soul and spirit. After that person came over and said the things to me. I determined, even though I wanted to go to bed and die, was to pick myself up and go praise the Lord. I knew the friendship was forever severed. I did see the angel of the Lord with the Sword come down and break the chains. I had to stand in faith and rejoice regardless of the outcome according to Romans 5:2-5
"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

It was my darkest hour to watch a person believe such a lie go through such pain and agony on my floor. I had to see it was a trial and do what the Word says to do and that was to rejoice in our sufferings... A very different concept when your heart is bleeding but did it becasue it produces endurance, character, hope without shame. I was doing it out of obedience of being broken and realigned correctly to the Lord. We serve a jealous God.

In my past, I used to complain about everything. No more. I made a decision from what I've learned in the last two years was to rejoice in all things regardless how it appeared but to put on my spiritual eyes and stand on Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

I would have to say it would be a big miracle to see this relationship restored and really to much stuff to bring it back so I've abandoned the thought of God restoring it. It is up to him and I will just move forward to the things of the Lord.

I have to say, I do ask the Lord to forgive me if I missed the mark in any way. It was not my intention to ruin a friendship but there were soul ties that had to be broken.

Since then, I have found myself again. I had lost myself and didn't even know who I was but now I've found myself and moving forward with new people and enjoying life to the fullest.

When you go through these trials and tribulations you come out gaining new wisdom according to Romans 11:33

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!"

When you do go through trials and tribulations it is self dying like Christ. You are only partaking a very small portion of his suffering but it opens your eyes to what he really and truly went through in killing your flesh to be more like him.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Dying to self is a good thing. Trials and tribulations brings up the nasty stuff so that you can crucify it with Christ. In fact it is the best way to deal with the flesh when you go through trials and tribulations.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Love Those Who Hurt You

People hurt others because they are hurt and as the saying goes hurt people hurt people. 

The best way to deal with people who hurt people is to pray for them.  God's word says to pray for those who hurt you, misuse you and use you.  Why because when you are able to pray for them, that means much of the bitterness is out of your heart.

You are not to feel sorry for them but have compassion.  Compassion helps you to pray for them. 

The best way to look at someone who hurts you is the Romans 7:17 that Paul talks about that it was not him but a spirit within him working in him and so he did the things, or said things he did not want to do or say.

If you can separate the the person from their sin, it is much easier to forgive and then move towards praying for them.

I know this person must be hurting.  You see the relationship turned evil and the worst of both of us came about and so there was a lot of abuse on both sides, unfortunately.  I could not take the push but Lord I understand.

Lord, I pray for those who want to hurt me, use me or even full of bitterness because of rejection and hurts of the past and past events that could not be helped.  God you love these people and I pray you heal their hearts, heal them from their pain and restore them to what God has called them to do.  I love those people and pray for them daily to be blessed with God's healing and more of God's love in their lives.  God, you have made me a better person.  I've come to a place that you are truly my all. 

Lord, heal this person's hurts so that this person can live again.  I know this person would rather not live and isolate themselves and I know that is not God's will.  I know you care for this person.  I know you will take care of this person.

In fact, I could die alone and that would be ok because I am never alone.  I thank you for your love for me and your goodness for me and I praise your name that you've helped me to have a right heart to bless those who are hurting and where the enemy used evil in both of us.  I stop it today and thank you that I can love these people regardless especially this one person.  There were good times in the past but it turned ugly and I am so sad over that.  Lack of respect, insecurities, I just don't know. 

Lord, I pray specifically for one person and I pray a blessing on this person and I pray success with everything this person touches.  I even pray for this person's home, business, her husband's career and that they are blessed at all levels of life.  I pray for abundance and that you will move and multiply this business to your fullest that they cannot comprehend your blessings.

Most of all is restoration.  I stood for restoration for a long time but I didn't see signs except hurt coming at me.  It broke my heart.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Loosing Myself

I have my good days and my bad days.  I continuously daily forgive and pray for the other person's ministry.  I don't get her actions but it is not up to me.  I truly hope and pray she can make the ministry a success. 

I would have to say it was the hardest thing for me to go through to try to train third person when she refused to come to training.  The accusation was something else, the self pity, etc.  I tried my best to not respond back with accusation but only answer questions.  Not easy.

I got to the point I shook when I received an email from her because it was always a demand and accusational.  It always had "you" in it. 

I had to pray through it, forgive continuously and ask God's help to answer her back.

Over the months, been cleaning up the blogs, directories and videos and anything else I could find.  I didn't get it all accomplished since I had a lot to deal with in January / February and part of March with training.  Then when I asked her not to use a specific software to make changes on the web, even though I told Tommy how important and said it in front of the Board Lady, she did it anyway and had to spend hours and days to clean up the mess because of the difficulty of the java script code on pulldowns.  That is nothing new since I've not been heard for over two years.  She never heard me and I just got tired.

I got tired of the accusation, the pushing and gave in to make peace all the time.  What is wrong with me because I ended up sick because I was walking on eggs all the time.  I was stuck and wanted out and had no energy.  I was beyond myself meeting someone else's needs and demands that I lost myself in the midst of it. 
What I mean that this ministry was so important to the other person and I was continuously walking on eggs and meeting her needs, which was never enough or good enough and only open the door for more demands, that I totally had no life except the ministry.  I had no time.  I even would stop whatever I was doing at work to accommodate and I got to the point I could not even do another thing or could even think for myself.

When I would say anything of the isolation or her demands, I got wrath back at me.  I got to the point I yelled to get her to stop or to hear me but that was no good. 

There were times when she would ask me where I have been when she tried to reach me and I just didn't want to talk about it and man, slam of the phone.  I had to be careful what I said to the team even though they complained constantly to me.  I made excuses for her continuously.  When I went on sabatical, each one called me and told me what they say.  What a relief because I thought I was loosing my mind but they comforted me.  I would ask them lots of questions to why they were saying what they were saying. 

Each one wanted to quit the ministry and I would even talk them out of it and told them to talk to her before they did to work things out because I knew I would be blamed for them quiting.  I did everything to get them to change their minds but they refused to and wanted out because she acted superior and talked down to them.  She gave them no respect and demanded from them expecting extreme perfection. 

I would pray and seek God and even try to give hints to only get knocked down by her.  She didn't want to hear it and especially from me.  I tried everything to tell her in the best way I knew and would sugar coat it to test the waters but even suger coating it, I would get attacked or she would attack them.

What I noticed is if anyone preferred me over her, she would talk horrible about them and be very accusational toward them.  That broke my heart.  It was hard carrying all this on my shoulders and it was wearing me out.

What did I learn through all this?  Never ever go into a partnership with anyone.  It is a good way to loose friendships. 

I felt sorry for the other person because she was insecure and didn't want anyone to see that because of her rejection.  The more rejected she felt and more insecure, the more she talked down and bossed people around.  So sad to watch.

Another thing it did to me and her is that it brought the worst out of me.  I screamed at her to get her to stop until I could not take it.  Even when she wrote that long letter to me blaming me for her sickness and for her rejection.  It broke my heart but already God was dealing with me.

You see I had lots of faults to.  I would dump on this person all my problems with work.  I would be upset and mad and she would hear it.  That was a sad thing.  I don't really talk about work these days.  I just don't care and have no push in life.  I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job or have a desire and will end up on the streets which is ok with me I guess.  I have nothing left in me. 

I started praying over myself and praising the Lord and calling out the gifts in me and got stirred up.  When I tried to start something, I only got more threats and a lot of unreasonable demands.  What broke my heart is that they don't want me to do anything.  Preach, teach, minister, or even go to other lands. I don't know what I signed but man I felt like my life is over. 

I wanted out of the control and the macromanagement over my life and here we go again.  This person wants to tie me up and throw me away.  I have an email where she wrote that I'm called and hope that I would start ministering again.

You know I went over a year not wanting to minister to anyone but it always came my way.  I would try to avoid it but did anyway and people got healed all the time.  I was at the lake and my friend has a cyst on her back and I decided to war with her and God healed her instantly.  That was God all the way and he gets the praise and then I decided wow, I cannot escape God's calling but now this person wants to bury me and if she could take me out of my miserable life and probably throw me in the lake to rot if she had her way.

I pray for her healing in her broken heart.  I know I broke her heart but I needed to be free from soul ties and control of her that it reallly ripped my heart until I ended up sick.  It was the hardest thing I went through.  It was like a death.  I was hoping there could be restoration but there is no way that can happen.

It is a death of a friendship forever.  What I had to learn to see and look at is this friendship was never healthy or put together the way God intended.  I could never meet up to her expectations.  Her expectations of friendship was to difficult for me until I didn't want it.  I could not take what this friendship and partnership had become.  It drained me instead of giving me life.  I felt the tenacles wrap around my neck chocking me and chocking life which it almost took my life becuase of the exhaustion and such.

Anyway, I could say more except I do pray and ask the Lord to bless her ministry.  I wanted to give her all the equipment, money and the ministry. I still find things around here and hope one day it will be all gone and done. 

The issue of this friendship hurt so much that I had to pull down every picture of her so that I didn't cry because that is all I did for months and months was cry.  I wanted to obey God and knew what it would do to her but God wants to rebalance this friendship if it is ever possible.  It is called sanctification process and boy it hurts.  It is also called going through the fire and I had to go through the fire to burn off the ropes that bound me - the bondswoman, but today I'm a free woman even though threats of legal action against me.

I've had to deal with training and fixing websites, January through March, then the house flooded, March and april.  Took me weeks to get it all back in order before my brother got here then my dad in the hospital 3 times this time plus going in for tests and me taking off work for that. 

Now, I was beginning to start cleaning up sites and removing co-founder from my name when I get this ugly certified letter accusing me for using the name.

Even regards to the message on my phone.  I had to go to Sprint to have them help me.  I had tried several times and getting ready to buy a new phone which would end that delima but because of the letter, I made sure I try to meet some of the reasonable demands like cleaning up blogs, removing videos from video blasters, etc.  Remove names from directories out there in space which I had been doing already.  I had forgotten I had a myspace account and so deleted it.  She demanded me removing where I said used to be co-founder of the ministry but the attorney said I could leave that.  I did send some things back such as t-shirt, hat, picture, dvd, tapes.  I had bought so many cds from BIH that I don't know what I bought and what the ministry had bought.  Most of what I had I bought with my own money for write off for Ezbuywebsites.

Wow, anyway, I've seen an attorney to know my rights.  He gave me relief and I pray they don't go any further.  Unfortunately, it takes a long time before Google and Yahoo removes what I have removed from the web.  Sometimes it will never be removed depending where it is at.  Some videos I didn't put out there but were spidered and are out there forever.  That will have to be a thorn on her side.  She will have to live with it.

Anyway, I forgive her and pray for her and still pray that the ministry will be a success.  I really do hope she can make it a success for herself.  She is gifted and is a good teacher and minister.  God does give her great insight and I truly loved that.  She is a good teacher and minister and I hope she can set many people free from the kingdom of darkness. 

I hope and pray she will find others to join with her and walk with her and minister with her or she can raise up and they can help her or enhance the ministry.  She is very talented that I can say and I'm very proud that she went from the ashes of her divorce to helping others.  I know she and her husband can help many marriages as time goes on.  I hope and pray her husband will move into his place and really enhance the ministry for her.  That is my pray and is my prayer daily for her.

I also pray she can forgive me.  I do plan to move forward myself.  I am looking to move to another state.  I'm thinking about Montana.  I've always liked Montana and the mountains and the rivers and its beauty.  It is not as populated but I believe I can make a home for myself.  I have met a person that will allow me to live with them until I find a new job but I do have to move away.

I was told not to contact anyone who has gone through the class.  I have not contacted anyone except some have contacted me.  Some even wanted ministry and I said no that they had to contact her.  Some I knew before the ministry and so I will honor the request of not communicating with those who have been through the class.  That means DB will have to be cut off and no more conversations with her agian.  She really helped me last year when all I did was cry.  But I see a different lite so I believe it is time to pack my bags and move away from this place. 

Why because I will run into these people and I don't want to dishonor the request.  Now, there are some I'm close to that I will continue to talk to.  ONe girl walked with me during my darkest times and helped me see when I was ready to see the truth of things.  I was in denial of this other woman's control issues but I know it is not her but spirits working in her.  I can love the person but I sure do hate that sin.  That sin in her almost destroyed me even though it did distroy this friendship probably forever.  I had to close the door and trust God for the future and I'm fine if it never gets restored.  I will not go back to vomit. 

I'm growing to get to know me for me.  You see I was co-dependent on my mom and it transferred to this other preson.  I now am growing into me and getting to know me all over again.